The curse of the over thinker

 

Do you consider yourself an “ideas” person? Does your brain jump from thought to thought, brimming with ideas, chalking up things to come back to at a later date? Are you always juggling multiple projects? Do you spend your life worrying about seemingly endless lists of things? 

Do you over think absolutely everything? 

I’m not sure how old I was when I realised that other people didn’t think like I do. Some people don’t second guess every decision, every word spoken. Some humans get through the day without analysing every, single detail. 

Not me. From the moment I open my eyes I am considering whether I have slept enough, whether I should eat or not (I need energy but sometimes eating makes me feel ill!), whether to shower or wash or have a bath, whether to wear jeans or leggings. This is just the small stuff. 

I then think about whether I should have given the cat more fuss, if I should have called my parents BEFORE getting in the car (because you never know what could happen!). I feel bad that I forget to let someone out in traffic and spend the journey furtively glancing in the rear view mirror wondering if they are cursing me. I ponder indecisively as to whether I should get petrol now when I risk being late or later when I’m going to be tired. I make the choice to continue and then feel like I’ve made the wrong call. 

At work I make a cup of tea and then wonder if I should have made one for everyone else. I turn back to the staffroom to do this only to realise that if I do I risk being in a fluster to get my photocopying done. As I walk through the corridors I am still thinking about tea and photocopying whilst also making tweaks to the morning’s lessons and mentally running through the days to do list. Also in my head is the thought of my cat who might feel unloved, my parents whom I haven’t spoken to, the guys who’s day I may have ruined because of not letting him out in traffic and the petrol that I really SHOULD have got on the way here. 

This continues with thoughts amassing as I absentmindedly forget to thank someone for holding the door or realise that I have hogged the photocopier when others needed it. I notice that a colleague is in a bad mood. Is that because of me? Maybe a cup of tea would have improved their mood? Maybe they needed to get photocopying done? Was it them in the car that I didn’t let out!!???? 

I smile and make an effort to ask how they are and then worry because I only have four minutes to get back to my room but I don’t want to seem disinterested in their answer! I listen and worry as I hear a note of exhaustion in their voice. I MUST remember to check on them again at some point today! As I leave the staffroom a year 6 asks me if they have music today. I flick through my timetable mentally and reply that their lesson is next week. The child looks worried and says that she wanted to ask for my help with her arts award project. Maybe I should run a help group for that? I make a mental note to find a slot of time to do one. I reassure her that I will find time to help and look at my watch. Two minutes. The staff member who held the door open early does so again and this time I thank them profusely and apologise for my earlier ignorance! 30 seconds!! I’m going to be late!!!! 

All those thoughts. In less than two hours. Tumbling on top of one another. That is before I add in the random ideas for song lyrics, entrepreneurial business ideas, trips to take pupils on and what is happening in the news.

My brain is overflowing with THINKING. 

And when this is predominantly positive or proactive it is all well and good. 

As a positive over thinker I can juggle multiple tasks, be all things to all people, overflow with imagination, ideas, inspiration. I am almost impossibly efficient. 

This can last for weeks or even months but then, for some inexplicable reason, my mind decides to turn on itself and the results are utterly horrifying. 

Imagine a hundred, million negative thoughts running through your mind simultaneously, plaguing your every waking moment and twisting your dreams into nightmares. 

Imagine a pessimistic voice questioning every choice, every thought, every action and then berating you repeatedly for it. 

Imagine another voice, louder, shouting at you to STOP OVER THINKING. 

The desire for silence is more like a craving. 

At times it can be debilitating. So noisy, so cacophonous that rational thoughts do not register. Instead an overwhelming sense of helplessness and uselessness pervades. 

I try to grasp one thought, one idea, one decision but a million others swarm into focus and leave me dizzy and impotent. 

I have gone from high functioning to ineffectual in a matter of minutes. 

As my brain continues to buzz with the resonance of an angry swarm of wasps, my body admits defeat. It cannot process everything that is being asked of it. 

Instinct takes over, routine is my only saviour and I rely on basic functionality to make sure that I eat, sleep, wash and hydrate. 

All the while my mind is creating a labyrinth of thought processes with which to strangle me. 

I should know better than to struggle. Like the fly in the proverbial web, I know that writhing and flailing will result in me being further entangled but my anxiety responds without rationality. 

Eventually I reach full exhaustion. This may have taken minutes, hours or days. I realise that my head is clearer. I experience a fleeting moment of blissful numbness before the first thoughts come creeping back.

The noise has reduced to “I should feed the cat” and “don’t forget to buy petrol”. 

It is time to work back up to hyper efficiency again. 

I brace myself against the inevitable onslaught of over thinking.