Highlights of a high functioning depressive

* trigger warning. Those who struggle with maturity, empathy or reality may find this blog hard to process.    You wake up knowing something isn’t right. Your abdomen is sore, your back aches and tears are ready at the back of your throat. Reaching down you realise that it is THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!!! Your first job is to stem the immediate flow. With this done you start the unpleasant task of stripping your bed clothes, remaking your bed, putting on washing and, finally immersing yourself in a scalding hot shower to try and remove the icky feeling of waking up in such a way. You are already late. A headache throbs at the edge of your vision and the squeezing of your womb means you are feeling sick so you skip breakfast. It’s 6am when you finally step out of the door having completed a marathon of cleaning, replacing, inserting and padding. You are aware of a slight clamminess that comes from wearing a sanitary towel and an uncomfortable awareness of your own nether regions. A...

  Have you tried Yoga? The truth is, I can’t actually complain about unsolicited advice since I offer it out too. I also recognise that is coming from the kindest of places. So it is wry humour, and not spite, that I write this.  Most people with chronic anxiety or depression will have heard the same things, repeatedly from strangers and friends. A selection: have you tried yoga/meditation/Pilates/Taichi……. Do you get enough exercise? You need to stay busy! You need to relax! You need more YOU time! You need to speak to your GP You need to speak to a therapist You need to open up more You need to try and not dwell too much You need routine You need to do something spontaneous and fun You need to come off medication You need to get some medication You need to change medication Etc I will try and address these well meaning comments gently.  have you tried yoga/meditation/Pilates/Taichi……. Short answer? Yes.  I mean, no, not every variable of martial arts/relaxation....

This hashtag worries me. It is a defensive reaction by those who could use their collective voice for change but instead chose to take offence. It compelled me to think about where we might be going wrong in our approach to teaching about equality, responsibility and sexuality.  The thing is, I know and believe it is “not all men” BUT....  My naivety in thinking that “not all men” meant I was safe has caused me grief beyond words.  You see, I have brothers who stand up for people being bullied, who tackle racism, who treat their wives as equals and who believe women should be safe. I have a father who is respectful, who loves my mother for being his equal and who has never though her “less” than him.  So, when I stepped out into the world I believed that every tap on the bottom, every crude joke, every straying hand was merely over exuberance. Because “not all men” do bad things. I believed that.  And so I allowed things to go unchecked despite my discomfort. My...

  At 39 years old I have had three decades of feeling “weird”. Being “over sensitive”, labelled “depressive” or “anxious”. I’ve had nearly two decades of being medicated: To help me build “resilience” and to bolster me enough to “cope”.  But wait...... What if I’m not the one who is sick?  What if my reactions to this world are the RIGHT reactions?  What if crying because people are starving, suffering, homeless is a NORMAL thing?  What if being depressed by a truly depressing world is EXACTLY right? What if, just what if.. Being DEsensitised is wrong? Ritalin, Antidepressants, beta blockers, stiff upper lips, backbones, tough skin.... all designed to make us less vigilant. Less alert. Less sensitive.  The more I see the people most affected by life the more I realise...  The problem is not with them. It is with the world they are being asked to accept. Mental Health is not the CAUSE of the depressive pandemic sweeping the U.K.  it is the symptom ...

 I am dramatic. It’s no secret. I love performing to an audience. I love making others laugh. I love entertaining.  I’m emotional. It’s true. I cry easily. I laugh easily. I feel so much. I want to reach out and hug and fix the broken world we live in. Yes, I live by my emotions. Do I exaggerate for comedic effect? Yes! It’s just not as funny to say that cactus got stuck to the back of my trousers. Far funnier if I sat on it! The humour of being chased by two sheep becomes hilarity if it’s ten!  Do I lie? Cause trouble? Have histrionics about things that are unimportant or minor?  No.  Because I’m not a terrible person. I don’t lie about important things like abuse. It’s far too real and it would be awful of me to do so.  I don’t exaggerate a story of someone hurting me. Because it would be wrong and wouldn’t help me in any way to recover.  I don’t cause a fuss over nothing. I know the story of the boy who cried wolf.... the girl who cried sexual assau...

  Do you consider yourself an “ideas” person? Does your brain jump from thought to thought, brimming with ideas, chalking up things to come back to at a later date? Are you always juggling multiple projects? Do you spend your life worrying about seemingly endless lists of things?  Do you over think absolutely everything?  I’m not sure how old I was when I realised that other people didn’t think like I do. Some people don’t second guess every decision, every word spoken. Some humans get through the day without analysing every, single detail.  Not me. From the moment I open my eyes I am considering whether I have slept enough, whether I should eat or not (I need energy but sometimes eating makes me feel ill!), whether to shower or wash or have a bath, whether to wear jeans or leggings. This is just the small stuff.  I then think about whether I should have given the cat more fuss, if I should have called my parents BEFORE getting in the car (because you never know...