Not all men

This hashtag worries me. It is a defensive reaction by those who could use their collective voice for change but instead chose to take offence. It compelled me to think about where we might be going wrong in our approach to teaching about equality, responsibility and sexuality. 

The thing is, I know and believe it is “not all men” BUT.... 

My naivety in thinking that “not all men” meant I was safe has caused me grief beyond words. 

You see, I have brothers who stand up for people being bullied, who tackle racism, who treat their wives as equals and who believe women should be safe. I have a father who is respectful, who loves my mother for being his equal and who has never though her “less” than him. 

So, when I stepped out into the world I believed that every tap on the bottom, every crude joke, every straying hand was merely over exuberance. Because “not all men” do bad things. I believed that. 

And so I allowed things to go unchecked despite my discomfort. My fault really. I didn’t have the nerve or understanding to challenge people. 

I was lucky, I had healthy relationships in which men treated me fairly during my uni years. I was hugely upset when, upon returning from uni, a local “lad” told my mum that I “behaved like a whore” because I kissed his mate 6 months after kissing someone else from our village. Incidentally, the “lad” had slept with 4 or 5 girls MUCH younger than him locally. My mum, ever pragmatic, told me that this man was “sheltered” and I should pity him. So I did. I didn’t fear him. 

When I returned in the summer all the local men would get drunk and decide it was entertaining to jeer and me and ask if I’d sleep with them - as though I was undiscerning and promiscuous (which I had every right to be but WAS NOT). I held my head high, remembered my mother’s words. Pitied them. Fast forward a few years and I am dating a “lad”. We have been together 18 months and are travelling with his family and some friends to Gateshead. Everyone heads out drinking but I have a headache and go back to my room. At 3am I am woken by my boyfriend attempting to have sex with me. I shove him off and telling him I’m unwell and tired. He persists. I get angry and say if he doesn’t leave me alone I will leave! He laughs and says he’s my partner and he just wants to have fun with me and that I’m over reacting. He keeps trying. I tell him if he touches me again I will scream. He gets angry and I sleep in the corridor. The next morning his sister in law tells me I was being silly, he didn’t mean any harm, he was just drunk and why was I making such a fuss. I stopped talking about it. Maybe I had over reacted? 

Mid - twenties, I sit in a pub with friends having a few drinks. An older man who knows one of my friends joins us. He hits on me heavily and I feel very uncomfortable. I politely inform him that I’m not single and move his hand from my leg. I’m not shitty with him! I smile and apologise for not being “available” for groping. I still believe that “not all men” are bad and I’m giving the benefit of the doubt to all. The man gets more and more drunk and more and more handsy until my brother crosses the room the intervene. 

The man, my friend (his mate) and the lads at the table laugh “it was just a bit of fun!”, “we are all a bit drunk”, “he’s harmless!”. I’m sure he was but I had finger marks on my thigh. 

Forward to my 30’s - I’m back with the “lad” I dated in my 20’s. He’s pretty nasty really. He physical hurts me, hides food and controls what I eat, tells me I’m an embarrassment and when I question any decision, insinuates I’m insane. But I believe he loves me because “not all men” and I am lucky. I have known good men. I give him the benefit of the doubt. Again. 

8 years later I am reporting my sexual

assault to the police. A teacher at a conference. A man with a DBS and training in safeguarding and consent. Because “not all men” and I trusted I would be safe with him. A professional. 

So you see, “not all men” might well be true to an extent.... but it is not a healthy narrative in this day and age. It’s like saying “not all cars are in crashes”. It’s true, but we still need to be alert to the potential danger of getting in a vehicle, because, until every driver on the road is safe, we can’t be sure our car won’t be in a crash. So, to those innocent and outraged men.... I hear you. I know you are frustrated but PLEASE understand our precautionary approach. If you were stung by wasp or learned others had been stung you would be naturally wary of wasps...... #NotAllWasps